Sometimes the person you need to forgive the most in life is… You!
We all make mistakes, questionable decisions, and poor calls. It’s an occupational hazard of life that sometimes, things go sideways and we are at fault. While it’s never easy to ride the wave of challenging emotions that come with making mistakes, we usually emerge on the other side a bit wiser, and maybe even a little better for it.
Forgiveness is a deliberate decision and a conscious choice. It involves choosing to let go of anger, resentment, and bitter feelings towards someone who has wronged us.
Forgiveness does not mean that everything goes back to normal and the slate is clean.
Forgiving someone represents that you are choosing to loosen the hold and influence of another’s person’s actions on your own life. If that sounds like a difficult process, it’s because it truly is! Forgiveness is not easy. Sometimes we forgive other people for the sake of our own mental health and ability to move on, without an actually apology from their end.
We can cross those enormous emotional hurdles to forgive others, and YET many people find it the most challenging to extend themselves that same forgiveness.
The other people involved may have moved on long ago. Apologies were exchanged. Forgiveness was offered and accepted. Yet, you still experience intrusive thoughts about the events, and strong feelings of guilt and shame.
This might be an indicator that you need to forgive yourself already.
Our mistakes hold power over us when we cannot forgive ourselves and move on. This affects everything from our relationships to our general sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
Moreover, we NEED to make mistakes to grow. If we can’t move on from past mistakes and errors in judgement, we are depriving ourselves of life’s most powerful source of personal growth.
In order to learn from our mistakes, we must practice self-forgiveness. Most of us know this- so what gets in the way?
Guilt And Shame Are Clingy!
The intense, all-consuming emotions of guilt, shame, and regret are often why we struggle to forgive ourselves.
Every emotion serves a purpose. Guilt can guide us towards understanding and admitting we were wrong. It shows us we are acting in ways that do not reflect our values and core beliefs. All of this can nudge us to seek forgiveness and repair the damage.
Shame, however, is not as useful. The experience of being ashamed can leave us feeling we are unworthy, unloveable, and not deserving of forgiveness. Being caught in a spiral of shame is often the biggest obstacle to self-forgiveness!
It’s vital to understand why you hold on to anger and refuse to forgive yourself. Are you still punishing yourself because you couldn’t save someone? Are you holding onto self-anger because you never let yourself off the hook? Do you fear that forgiveness would mean you’re not taking responsibility for your errors or flaws? Do you think that being upset with yourself will prevent you from engaging in similar behaviors in the future?
By refusing to show yourself mercy, you are intentionally hurting yourself and further endangering your health. Once you understand why you did something, anything, it’s time to forgive yourself and let it go.
Forgiving yourself may just be the hardest thing you can do for your own healing. So many traumatic experiences leave us drowning in thoughts and feelings of self-blame.
It’s vital to understand why you hold on to anger and refuse to forgive yourself. Are you still punishing yourself because you couldn’t save someone? Are you holding onto self-anger because you never let yourself off the hook? Do you fear that forgiveness would mean you’re not taking responsibility for your errors or flaws? Do you think that being upset with yourself will prevent you from engaging in similar behaviors in the future?
By refusing to show yourself mercy, you are intentionally hurting yourself. Once you understand why you did something, anything, it’s time to forgive yourself and let it go.
Learning to forgive yourself and have unconditional self-compassion can heal many, many wounds. Moreover it heals the soul 😇