Many things have happened. All of my past sorrows, which I shared when I needed to have been left here and I have to admit, I don’t think they are healed, they are just behind me, since so much has changed in my life that has weighed so much more than heartbreaks or anything else.
People, in general, showed me love and I sometimes felt really sad to see that I had never felt that, even if I was truly grateful for it. I realized it was going to be hard on me eventually, if I stopped feeling this love that was sustaining me in the worst possible time of my life.
I then pulled away from people who were selfish and bad friends, and it felt like everything was lighter, even in the midst of many issues and sadness.
Some people were there to prove things can be better when were together. Sadly, of course I knew this was gonna eventually settle, not only the attention, but my own realisation of what my life would look like and its awful.
I’m sure I struggled with the same things before, but this is truly confusing lately. I feel deeply alone. Deeply disconnected. I think I’m a good man, friend, person, but at the time, I can totally affirm, there is no one who knows me and loves me unconditionally, or loves me at all.
There’s a saying: deeply loved versus generally liked. I think I’m the latter. And it pains me. I know I deserve more, but for some reason, cannot have it. And this is it. I see my life now and I need some place that looks and feels familiar, because I don’t have it anymore.
To be blunt and clear: my days look a lot like staying in, working a lot, then also sometimes feeling nothing is really enough and my friends have mostly dissipated. I see them happy in their own lives and now I feel I have nothing of my own.
Do you believe some part of you cannot exist anymore when someone you love dies or leaves? Nevertheless, the whole purpose of this “thing” was supposedly to cut all chords with people who loved me, to make me be lonely. All of it appears to have some sort of sense, since things really do not end well, or build up to anything in general.
Also, If I may add, I know I am still grieving, and I no longer know what pain belongs where. The truth is I’m frustrated and mad by becoming this weird version of myself who has no heart, or love, or who to express that love towards. I am truly just heartbroken, truly, have no idea where or how to go from here, especially when people are no longer around.
So I really think how much loneliness is good for the soul and when does it start to become hurtful?
Why why why can’t I build a world I really want, I ask myself. I am attractive(subject to debate), I’m funny, I’m actually fun to be around. Have no clue. I’m sad, but I hope everyone here feels better today, than myself. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
Anyway it's life. Life's meant to be like that. Like Freddie of Queens taught us, Whatever happens the show must go on and it will, no matter what. 🤞
