I’m old enough to know what I value in friendships. I haven’t been that lucky with that. From my past experiences, I’ve learned what I don’t like in a friend. I’ve written about friendships before on this blog. I have a few precedents of it, so I know what I’m talking about.
Over the years, some friends have honestly come to feel much more like family. Those special friends have helped me navigate some very hard times. I can't imagine life without many of the people who have become important, over time; they have been "the wind beneath my wings".
The Birth of a friendship....
In many ways, friendships are much like love affairs. New friendships have a sparkly feel to them: it's easy to feel giddy, when there seems to be so much potential in a new friend. The initial attraction phase is much like falling in love: You like the same things; agree about issues; perhaps share a similar sense of humor.
Chemistry is critical, and it feels like magic when you find those people in life. Much like a romantic relationship, it's a process, and that process can be exciting. You get to know each other; you test the waters, and if you're lucky, you find someone who really fits -- and a friendship is born. BOOM 😍
The Lifetime of a friendship....
When I was younger, this process often went quickly, and friendships bloomed and fizzled easily. In my youth, there was more drama, and the emotions were sometimes shallower; beginnings and endings didn't feel as important.
As I've aged, my lack of understanding about how to nurture and sustain a friendship has changed completely. Good communication, working hard in relationships, digging in... These are things I do understand now, and I've learned to work hard at it.
Learning to accept who I am and what I have to offer, and what I don't, is part of that growth. We can't be friends with everyone we like. Over time, I've become much slower to make friends; I've learned the hard way that it takes time to really know someone.
Having figured some things out with age, I work hard in relationships and really value those who reciprocate. I don't let go easily. I chew on things and dig in, hoping to make relationships that have become important, stay important. It isn't always possible, however. It takes two, and in the end there have been losses that are hard to deal with.
The Death of a friendship...
There are different kinds of endings; I believe some are easier to come to terms with than others. Early on, you might let some things go, or overlook little issues, that over time may cause cracks. Convenience and comfort makes for an easy blindfold. It's easy to overlook smaller conflicts when you find someone you think will fit into the big picture.
Over time, as things shift or change however, perhaps some of these friendships don't hold up. If it's a mutual break, and both parties can see that situations have changed, it's much easier to accept, and move on. This has always made more sense to me, though any end has its unique bumps.
Then there are endings that are painfully one-sided. One party changes; one person is no longer interested or invested; two people drift apart and the ending feels unbalanced. I've been on both sides of that equation, and it never feels good; it's never easy. If you're being left behind, it's hard not to wonder what you could do differently, or try to mend things. It's hard not to feel injured and defensive. Been there, done that.
If you're the one moving on, it might feel like the right step, but it isn't necessarily pain-free. It's easy to feel guilty and torn, despite your conviction that the friendship isn't right for you. If you share other friends, it's even harder. There's often an inevitable awkwardness socially, for both parties. Mutual friends may feel torn; you run into each other everywhere, and it can feel like you're in a sticky mess all around. Whichever side of this situation you're on, has its challenges.
In my mind, the hardest end to a friendship is when things just get screwed up, and there's no turning back. Hurt feelings, difficult situations, and painful moves that lead two seemingly close friends, to separate and end a friendship, is like a death. Sadly, things don't always go the way we want, and not all fractures mend. When you've done all you know how to do, all you can, when "I'm sorry," doesn't turn the tide, and wounds run too deep, there is an inevitable time when you have to cut the ties and let go. Most of us have been there. It sucks, and I'm terrible at it. Terrible. 💔
The Healing of the pain caused...
The end of a close friendship is a death, and there's mourning to be done. It's one thing to mourn someone who is truly gone, and another to mourn someone you still run into, or who still pops up on Facebook or Instagram or Whatsapp, you still think of often. They're not really gone, but the relationship has died. The grieving process can feel twisted and surreal; letting go is much more challenging.
Time does indeed heal all wounds; I believe that. I also know that the loss of an important friendship can take a lot more time than many of us want, but we do heal. I've learned to look up and around a little more. Sometimes there's something special right in front of you that you didn't notice, trying to hang on to relationships that weren't working anymore. It's healing to learn that from loss, can come rich, new experiences.
Through all of it, I've learned to stand on my own more comfortably. I've looked much closer at the mistakes I've made and the ways I need to change, as well as the things I just can't change, the things that are integral to who I am that may not work for some others, but are too much "me" to give up or change. It's all growth, and that's a good thing.
It may not be easy, but I do believe that change is a good thing. Yes it is....